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He thought that I had a mild inflammation of my cartilage, but "just to be on the safe side" ordered an x-ray of my clavicle. Richter called me shortly after the x-ray results were in, saying he'd like to have an MRI done because something unusual had appeared in the films.

I have an appointment with a hematologist/oncologist at Princeton next Wednesday; perhaps some immediate answers will follow.

Over the past month, I think I've been experiencing most of these almost simultaneously. The best I think I can do now is when I can cast the whole experience as a new life adventure. I've also had two, almost opposite psychological reactions to my mortality-realization. Here's an example of the "flow": the day before yesterday I was walking down our street in the late afternoon.

It wasn't really dusk, but the light was beginning to wane.

It's hard to describe, but cliches' like "perspective" do capture a part of it. Although I don't want this blog (I really dislike that term for some reason) to be all about My Disease, it inevitably will be a lot about it. So here's what happened: Late this past October, I woke up one morning feeling as if I had 'slept wrong' on my left shoulder.

What an amazing thing it is, to live a life like this. After all, the initial diagnosis coupled with the frantic desire to communicate thoughts/feelings/ideas/etc. Several days later, after the pain had intensified to the point where it was becoming difficult to get dressed, I went to see my doctor.

Jill, Lian, Daniel and I were discussing our plans for New Year's Eve, and all of a sudden it became almost like a cinematic trick. It was such a wonderful scene, I wanted to commit it to some eternal memory. For obvious reasons, I've been thinking a fair amount about death.

Like I could float around and tangibly feel the familial joy we shared. I don't mean this in a particularly morbid sense (don't worry -- I'm keeping that positive attitude! It's more that this disease has forced a direct awareness of what the word "finite" truly means.

The pain subsided, however, and we decided to continue with the trip. Jill was there doing work at the International Atomic Energy Agency, so I got to be the spouse this time around.


 
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29-Oct-2019 00:28